yellowmendy

Starting Your Day The Right Way

2009-11-03T04:46:00.000-08:00

I found this most interesting, especially for the dark winter months we've been heading into recently. It's called "Starting your day the right way" by Lee Ridenour.

Mitch Albom on Craig Ferguson: Have a Little Faith Part 1

2009-10-14T04:25:00.000-07:00

Part 2

2009-10-14T04:24:00.000-07:00

The Answer is Love

2009-10-14T02:08:00.001-07:00

This summer I worked with 40 christians at a camp. I traveled with 5 of the 40 to 3 different places in the province (staying in each for only a week), and participated in different kinds of ministry. The first week we all stayed in a sactuary together and did devotions every night, a crazy time to bond, and to learn. The second week we stayed 2 people to a billet and our bond seemed to lack of what it had been the week before. The third week together was a month after the last and instead of being the ministry opportunity, we learned about different ministries available and participated in morning devotions by those we were learning from, or with the man guiding us on our learning expedition he had planned for us. Be it with 40 people or just the 6 of us, the whole summer read LOVE. These are just a few scriptures that have still stuck with me and that I can't seem to stop quoting ever since.

LOVE

Romans 13:8-10

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," " Do not covet," and whatever other commandments there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

FORGIVENESS

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

TEACH US TO PRAY

Matthew 6:5-8

And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have recieved their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your own room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

Our Father who art in heaven

Hallowed be thy name

Thy Kingdom come

Thy will be done

On Earth as it is in Heaven

Give us this day our daily bread

And forgive us our trespasses

As we forgive those who trespass against us

And lead us not into temptation

But deliver us from evil

For thine is the kingdom

The power and the glory

For ever and ever

Amen

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Religious Morals As The Backbone To Every Household

2009-06-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

After reading Ishmael by Daniel Quinn I believe, now more than ever, that a belief in God or his words should be the backbone of every household. The bible teaches good morals to educate ourselves and to live by. It instills good values, teaching mercy, kindness, and patience towards life, yourself and others.

Mercy is compassion, forgiveness and non-judging. Mercy is not receiving something you deserve. Mercy calms you where kindness is shunned or unseen. Without mercy we would have all that crazy high school drama that you may remember, without resolution, and more of it. It takes you to remember that you don't know everybody's situation, story, or reasoning behind things. A young, unmarried girl can baby-sit their baby niece and do some errands for their aunt as an act of kindness and get judged by on-lookers in disgust for they believe her to be a young teenage mother, not graduated, with a child born out of wedlock.

Kindness is a boost in another persons day. It encourages others to keep doing good deeds such as opening the door for others, or that you actually appreciate the hard work put into making dinner each night for the family every night. We have encouragement boxes at camp for the staff, and many times where I thought I had nothing to offer to the world, I wold go to my encouragement box and read an encouragement another staff member might have left me. My face would light up, my heart no longer felt heavy and I had happiness I needed to share with the world before it blew up like the finale at firework shows! Kindness is need to push some of that insecurity to the side and to put a skip in a persons step.

Have you ever heard the saying, "good things come to those who wait"? Our world is coming to and end due to our selfish ways. You don't see as many decent people around anymore. Everything had to happen right away or not at all, and if it doesn't happen, you get a whole lot of swearing, fuming, complaining and raging. With patience, marriages would not have such a high divorce rate, less teenagers would have pre-marital sex. With patience, the crash rate and fatalities wouldn't be so high. Patience is to persevere steadily and to be even-tempered.

Even if you don't believe there is a God or higher being, you should practice mercy, kindness and patience. This is even more important if you have children as they follow you with "monkey see, monkey do." Rid your life of selfishness, insecurity and anxiety. The world would be a wonderful place with the bible as the backbone of every household.

"Train a child the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

Proverbs 22:6

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Heavy Insecurities

2009-05-19T10:56:00.000-07:00

Recently it seems like everyone is either having a baby or getting married. On the younger side of things, everyone is scared of marriage because of the divorce rate hanging around North America, and religion because of all the hypocrites and nobody seems to know exactly what they do or do not believe in. I've been thinking a lot of this lately so I decided to find out for myself what history and the bible says about marriage and divorce, and to also check out the differences of today's society and back then.

Let's start with marriage in Genesis 2:18-25 and Matthew 19:4-6

MARRIAGE was God's idea for two people to come together to fulfill a mission they could not accomplish on their own. God said, "It's not good for the Man to be alone; I'll make him a helper, a companion." Even though it is God's plan for two people to come together, the bible warns over and over not to stir up love prematurely in Songs of Solomon 2:7; 3:5; 8:4 where it says,

"Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe—and you're ready."

Age To Marry

Now, as many of you know, there were many arranged marriages back in the day, and girls were married at a young age, with the oldest daughter married out first, etc. Well here's how it went under Judaism. Under Judaism, boys could marry or make religious vows at 14 and girls at 12 and one day, both only with parental permission, which was required until both, boys and girls, were 21 years of age.

In the first century, there was a general rule that young people "of age" could arrange their own marriages. The Jewish rabbis set the minimum age for marriage at twelve years and one day for the girl, and thirteen years for the boy. Now, above I had said boys could marry or make religious vows at 14, not 13. I think this is to do with the fact that boys "become men" at 13, so I'm making the assumption that they can become engaged/betrothed at this age, but cannot marry until they are 14. A boy was most likely wed in this time by the time he was eighteen to twenty years of age.

In ancient times, marriages were usually arranged between the oldest male family members within the same group or family clan. This would guarantee the future existence of the overall group and preservation of culture and values. Girls were given in marriage when they were old enough to bear children, so shortly following puberty; boys married when they either received their inheritance or obtained their own resources. This meant he could take care of his new family and be man of his household without any doubt. It was also common for the groom to give a dowry, or purchase his wife from his future father-in-law. Or, in Jacob's case in Genesis 29:15-21, where he worked for seven years to get his bride. Boys were usually married between puberty and their latter teen years. Because of the big emphasis on family, especially the clan, newly-weds generally bore children within the year following marriage.

Betrothed

Now, to be betrothed to someone in that time was pretty much like being engaged nowadays, with a few differences of course. Once a young man chose who he should have as his bride, and she had agreed (is she was of age), a formal declaration of marital intent was made in the presence of two witnesses, kinda like our engagement parties. Once this had happened, they were considered betrothed. The betrothal period was fixed by law, so there was none of this "I've been engaged for 2 years!" or " We got engaged and married within the hour!" business.
For a maiden, the betrothal period was from ten months to a year; for a widow it was three months. From the time of her betrothal until the marriage actually took place, the woman was treated as if she was already married. The only way to get out of being betrothed was with divorce for a breach of faithfulness was thought of as adultery.

One Flesh

I love this excerpt from Ephesians 5:23-33 in the Message of the connection between a husband and wife.

^{22 -24}Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

^{25 -28}Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.

This, to me, is what marriage should be, especially in these times of divorce and insecurity.

DIVORCE

Law of Moses

"If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord. Do not bring sin upon the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance."

Deuteronomy 24:1-4

Jesus was questioned with the Law of Moses later in the New Testament:

One day the Pharisees were badgering him: "Is it legal for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?"

He answered, "Haven't you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female? And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart."

They shot back in rebuttal, "If that's so, why did Moses give instructions for divorce papers and divorce procedures?"

Jesus said, "Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hard heartedness, but it is not part of God's original plan. I'm holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery."

Jesus' disciples objected, "If those are the terms of marriage, we're stuck. Why get married?"

But Jesus said, "Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked—or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it."

Matthew 19:1-12

God of Israel

"I hate divorce," says the God of Israel. God-of-the-Angel-Armies says, "I hate the violent dismembering of the 'one flesh' of marriage." So watch yourselves. Don't let your guard down. Don't cheat.

Malachi 2:16

God does not condemn the filing of divorce, but condemns violating the marriage covenant so as to end the marriage. Otherwise why would Moses have his law? It is not up to us to judge if a divorce was for the right reasons, etc. That is between God and the husband and wife for we are not equipped to judge as God does.

But God told Samuel, "Looks aren't everything. Don't be impressed with his looks and stature. I've already eliminated him. God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart."

1 Samuel 16:7

GOD'S LAW

When the Pharisees, a money-obsessed bunch, heard him say these things, they rolled their eyes, dismissing him as hopelessly out of touch. So Jesus spoke to them: "You are masters at making yourselves look good in front of others, but God knows what's behind the appearance.

What society sees and calls monumental,
God sees through and calls monstrous.
God's Law and the Prophets climaxed in John;
Now it's all kingdom of God—the glad news
and compelling invitation to every man and woman.
The sky will disintegrate and the earth dissolve
before a single letter of God's Law wears out.
Using the legalities of divorce
as a cover for lust is adultery;
Using the legalities of marriage
as a cover for lust is adultery.

Luke 16:18

I think Thomas M. Strouse summed up what I'm trying to say very well in his conclusion on his article in which I grabbed some of this information off of.

"The Bible is God's guide for mankind in general and especially for Christians. The Bible teaches that marriage is permanent and monogamous. The Bible teaches that divorce is only for the betrothal period prior to physical consummation. The Bible teaches that reconciliation, not divorce is the solution to marital difficulties, and that remarriage is only allowable when the marriage union has been broken by death. May Christians and mankind follow the Bible's guidance for strong family units by realizing marriage is for life and that the Lord God of Israel hates divorce (Mal. 2:16)."

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Where I got some goods from

The Bible, Marriage, and Divorce by Thomas M. Strouse

Marriage Ages in the Bible by Louis Rushmore
Divorce in Biblical Times Chapter 5
Biblical Womanhood

Have A Smile

2009-05-14T16:30:00.000-07:00

To the one I love,

Have a smile from me today
You have given me yours,
yet many a time have I cast it away

Your smile has assured me everything will be okay
Even though my face does not always want to shout
"Hooray!"

When I am sad, you are patient
When I am stubborn, you stand by

When I am confused, you let me cry
You always dry my tears
Even if we both don't understand why

It trickles down my cheeks when I think I'm fine
I hate it when I have to lie
Just so I would have reasoning as to why I must cry

Your smile has turned my worst day to the best
From a pajama day to one where I get dressed

It makes me vulnerable in all my music
It's let you hear all my music

In order to be with you
I strive to do the best I can do
And when hope replaces strive
I hope to strive again and I know you do too

This is why I have a smile for you today
For you give me a smile everyday

I hope my smile can assure you everything will be okay
And that you don't cast it far away

I hope your face lights up in "Hooray!"
And I should not cast anymore of yours away

Love always,
Cutie

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Drifting

2009-05-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

No shivers, drifting along with salty sea so calm and quiet, splashing in the small crevices of my ears. I am not cold as I lay looking up at the cloudy blue sky looking back at me. It is so bright, but not enough to have my eyes squint to see light.

My eyes grow heavy, my body ready to fall into a deep, silent, slumber.
I feel so numb. Silent worries whisper words I've heard before.
" Do I know the difference between right and wrong to be able to teach my future children?"
" Will I grow more weary than I do now?"

I am so tired.
I want a warm, light, sweet drink.
I want to put on some warm, comfortable, just out of the dryer pajamas.
I want to curl up in a cozy bed with big blankets and a comfy pillow.

Why is there so much fear and hatred in the world?
Where is my cozy cave where I can be safe without worries and doubts?
Where is my place of solace where my tears can run and I can be free?

Oh dark sweet night so far away
Come to me so I can sleep until another day.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Pride Comes Only With Humility

2009-05-05T13:48:00.000-07:00

Preposterous, patience, practice, perseverance, performance, pure pride.

I have been taking vocal lessons since about October or November this school year as a chance to sound less breathy, breathe properly (without gasping), sing louder, resonate more and to expand my knowledge in singing and the wonders of music.

From the beginning, I knew I would have to do some pretty silly things to get anywhere, this I had discovered from piano lessons, off and on from the more oblivious age of 6, hanging my arms like a gorilla. At one of my first vocal lessons, I had to make a brrrrr sound with my lips to "sing" a warm-up, like a child making bubbles in one of their first swimming lessons with part of their head in the water, or a little boy running around, playing with his toy car. I felt ridiculous, especially when I, a girl old enough to vote, was told to look in the huge mirror staring at me, on the other side of my teacher and brrrr!

I now brrrr at every lesson without giggling at myself, though, I haven't really looked in the mirror for that one lately. One of the weird things I still find funny is dealing with my tongue. I'm told almost every week that my tongue has a mind of its own and that I don't need it to sing, for which I know to be true. For some reason, I can't stop using my tongue to sing, so it gets in my way over and over again! Lately I've been sticking my tongue out and practicing my songs as a vocalise, which looking in a mirror yet again, looks like something no professional or high class vocalist would ever do or should remember doing.

I had troubles with some of my phrases because I was unable to keep my sternum up, especially with the higher notes floating around, so I was sent to the door. Now your probably thinking, "Why was she kicked out?! Is she not paying to learn?!" No worries friends! I was not kicked out! I was merely sent to use my arms to push against the door while singing, with my teacher pushed against my back as a resistance. With all my might, I made sure I did not collapse onto that door to show how weak my arms really were, and in turn forgot about what I usually had my body do when I sang. What a sound! Too bad I can't have something like those windows used at gas stations in the late evenings to prevent harm to the attendant behind the counter on stage to sing like that again for others. I felt so powerful with such a mighty sound! A conqueror! Queen of the castle with you as the dirty rascal!

So today, after about 6 months of 1 hour vocal lessons almost every week, I felt how I am supposed feel when singing without pushing against anything! My chest did not slowly collapse on me while singing a phrase, my rib cage stayed up with little effort, my shoulder blades barely moved, I released completely to get the next breathe with ease, and I didn't reach for the notes! It was the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced! The feeling is a little annoying at the same time though. To make it happen, I'm not supposed to do anything, yet my lower abs hurt and I feel so exhausted and hungry after! Well, I guess I should go exercise more. I will prevail!

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Easter Daffodils

2009-04-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

I sit here, 3 1/2 hours after buying our tickets, at the ferry terminal cafe with my boyfriend of 2 years, 8 months and 13 days, awaiting still the next ferry to one of the Gulf Islands, due to arrive 1 1/2 hours from now. I should have known by now that this is what happens when you are exactly 10 minutes late for a ferry that has only a sparse amount of sailings per day, and the person of whom has dropped you off, has left, driving half an hour to slip beneath warm comfort in blue flowered pajamas once again today.

Oh the ferries. How they remind me so much of ice cream, Greek salad, Subway, swimming, pier jumping, pranks, music, children and laughter. The only way to get to camp is by taking at least one ferry, but in my case two because I live on this little rock I call home. I have trained, volunteered , and worked at camp for the past 3 summer, and I will be going back yet again at the end of far-away June. With this new-found- information, you may have already figured it out. Camp is where my boyfriend and I began courting!

Now, even though I enjoy going to camp, this is not the destination of where the small ferry we are awaiting today will take us. Today after a bowl of noodles, a game of Dutch Blitz, a nap under a ski jacket that covered me from my neck to my toes when I curled up, a shared hot dog and fun with settings on the digital camera, we made our way off the boat and up the steep pavement of Mayne. Our journey was soon to come to an end! With luggage in our arms, and on our backs, we stood with sweat beginning to form until we saw our comfy seats and luggage hungry trunk come around the bend with the boyfriend's brothers heads bobbing to the beat of a song being released through the car speakers.

Finally with our backs leaning against a comfy cushion, we stopped by a local store to pick up a few drinks. We then drove bumpily past a sight of the vast ocean we had just sailed safely over, and soon after I looked out my window in awe, yet again, at the field of green grass and yellow daffodils, with a single tree in the middle, slightly to the right, the perimeter of the beautiful field surrounded by luscious trees and a robin's egg blue sky. Every time I come, I look past the waist high, wooden fence and think, "Wouldn't it be lovely to frolic among those daffodils?"

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Ishmael by Daniel Quinn - My Response

2009-04-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading the novel Ishmael by Daniel Quinn for class, and was told to write a response every 25 pages or so about what I was thinking as I just finished reading the section, and I came up with some very interesting things I thought I might share.

I don't claim these things to be the way things should be, have been, or will be, for it is just thoughts that came to mind as possibilities, or a possible reasoning for things. These are just my ramblings and wheels spinning so feel free to comment your opinions and have my mind, and others, ramble a little more in "maybes" and " what if's".

Each paragraph is a different ramble from a new section, though they are all quite similar, some are quick notes of interest that don't go into too much depth while others are more thought provoking. I have cut out sections that I had deemed unworthy of my reasoning for this post.

CAPTIVITY - "the state or period of being held, imprisoned, enslaved, or confined."

This can be physical, mental, and spiritual. That's intense! Imagine being in prison, people tell you what, and how you are to think, and you are to have no religion or anything, imagine your body as just a shell and you are nothing, can be nothing, and will be nothing. Captivity seems like such a heavy word when you think of it as being utterly and completely trapped with no hope of escape. That is one huge tonne of concrete to throw on somebody. That word can make people angry galore! Captivity, captivity, captivity!!

MOTHER CULTURE - is, in her entire form, us: our own civilization from whom we learn our rules, morals and ways of viewing the world. A baby-sitter might do a ritualistic, everyday chore in one way only to hear the children say, “But our mommy does it this way.” Their mother has, purposely or not, melded into her offspring the idea of this is how it's done. This may cause narrow-mindedness, blindness and ignorance. Mother Culture is the kind of parent whose answer to everything is “because I'm the mommy and I said so, that's why.”

We hear Mother Culture always humming in the background, but we've listened to her for so long that you don't notice her. If you don't specifically try to listen for her, you won't hear her.
Is that subliminal messaging or what?!

GOD - "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. GOD IS LOVE. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."

[1 John 4:16]

LOVE - "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

[1 Corinthians 13:4-13]

The end of the world will come when the Earth is overpopulated and the number of people on it need to balance the food it offers. In the wild if there is not enough grass for the gazelles, then the number of gazelles deplete until there is a balance of food and gazelles. This will be the same for mankind. God made us to be of this world and not to be Gods of this world. Just think, if all mankind were God-fearing and obeyed him, we would not go without love for God is love. Sexual relations would not be had unless you were married so you would not find any unmarried young girls bearing children they could not care for and aborting. There would be a whole lot less children going through foster care and the adoption system, for they would have come into families of love for "God is love [and] whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." If many young girls who do not treat their bodies like a temple were to feel loved at home by their mother's and father's, they would not go out looking for love in the wrong places, they would not have men lusting for them, and they would not commit adultery. God is Almighty and we are his creation. We could not create the Universe and the stars above as he had.

LAZY - "averse or disinclined to work, activity, or exertion; indolent."

GRUMPY - "surly or ill-tempered; discontentedly or sullenly irritable; grouchy."

Many things in life were wonderful achievements, inventions, or advancements in our culture and society, yet, we take everything for granted it seems. Conan hosted the comedian Louis CK who talked of the spoiled generation that we see now. Many of these advancements should be used to aid us, and not to spoil us! We have so been greedy with our hearts closed more and more over the years, no wonder why we are coming closer and closer to the end! These wonderful things that we take for granted are making us grumpy and lazy, in turn you see "a culture riddled with greed, cruelty, mental illness, crime, and drug addiction." And what is the cure for all of this? According to society it is our morals (usually religious or justice provoked), advertisements bringing awareness to animal cruelty, or cruelty in war, etc., pills, pills and more pills, or shunning of those with mental illness, prison (though is justice really served?), and rehab, or looks of disgust! Why can't people take a walk with their families around the block before dinner to get some fresh air, talk with their loved ones, and get some exercise amongst the beautiful world we live in?

FAITH - "The assent of the mind to the statement or proposition of another, on the ground of the manifest truth of what he utters; firm and earnest belief, on probable evidence of any kind, especially in regard to important moral truth."

PATIENT - "Bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance with calmness."

TRUST - "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence."

I think the world needs more faith, patience and in that, trust. A common phrase "ignorance is bliss" is determined fit before Adam and Eve ate fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
I wonder where we would be had we not wanted to be God. God must have huge feet because nobody can fill them, but what do you expect from the creator of everything?! Even if God were the size of a grasshopper, and let's say grasshoppers wore shoes, your feet would not be BIG ENOUGH to fill his shoes.

I'm very glad I read this book, and from now on, as with any new found information, my life will be different. I will see things, and judge things differently, maybe even answer certain questions differently with more of an opinion. I really enjoyed how slow, and a little ignorant the main character was, as to perceive what Ishmael had to say a little more thoroughly. Ignorance was bliss there too, I guess! I recommend you read this book if you haven't already. Such simple questions led to such simple answers, and all we had to do was check out the bible a little bit, and look around the world we live in today and the world the "savages" live in today, and yesterday.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Birth Verse

2009-03-17T11:30:00.001-07:00

I was reading the blog Another Journal Entry by Elizabeth Bennet and found this kinda neat so I thought I would try the same for my birthday.

http://www.birthverse.com/mybirthverse.cfm

Ephesians 4:1 NIV
As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

I Wish.

2009-03-13T16:20:00.000-07:00

A deafening scream soars, screeching through the silent night.
Is it heard? Is it sought? Does it bring relief?

Lights echo as my mind dances a waltz.
Am I sick? Am I mad? Will I ever keep comfort?

My flesh bleeds not of red blood, but sweat and tears.
Torment and humiliation haunt my dreams as I drift off to silent slumber.

Why the need to drive when there will always be a burn this way?
If there is no drive evidently there is no want.

Is there a reachable balance that can be obtained before death?
Or, is another part of life's journey finding that balance?

I realize that nothing will always be perfect.

I just wish light or lack of light, I can be the same.
I wish I don't keep losing momentum.
I wish I could just sit down and finish what needs to be done.
I wish I was done.
I wish I could move on.
I wish to be a child again.
I wish to have my own home and my own family.
I wish to just live.

I wish for life to be seen in my eyes again.
I wish for music to run through my veins.
I wish I had the option to say good-bye less often.
I wish for love to embrace me.
I wish.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Resolution

2009-02-12T22:53:00.000-08:00

~A dissonance must always resolve itself~

Facade. A mask that you hide behind. A sense of invulnerability that you can choose to keep. A false sense of security in times of indecision. A place of fake shelter in a thunder storm, your front is perfect, but the inner is fried. You begin to leak out. The facade is being worn. Confusion circles around, the real you trying to slow while the facade tries to hold strong. You can win over. The matter is letting yourself, or not. If tears come, let yourself cry. If a smile sees the world, be as happy as the life around you makes the smile become. Let anger subside and be dealt with. What is right is right. Don't over question what is right. Nothing may seem worth it now or in the past, but the future is and end you cannot see until it dawns. Why waste precious time questioning, doubting, over thinking. Mistakes happen in life. A lot of the time, mistakes suck. Sometimes you feel like an imbecile, incompetent and, or, a failure. This is already mind boggling, then here comes a person of whom has a facade that fits to their face quite comfortably still, who thinks they need to tell you how much of a failure you are, every time they see you. When will it all stop?!

A guilty conscious. What will that do but drive you insane?! Is insanity the part of pure existence that everyone must face to move on to the next phase for their journey in life? How long must it last? Is it the reason why the only way to have peace is in the utter cold? Asleep so deep that nothing but your own burning flesh can wake you? Must I burn? Is rock bottom a place where you want to die? Is there a limit to how many times you can hit it before you actually die of exhaustion from hitting it with all that you have left so often? How long does it take for you to thirst for something better? When does the growling satisfy? When will the lies seize?! Is there a safe place to hide from all of this? A place to stop thinking, stop pondering, stop holding my mask in place? I want a place where I can be free! I've relied on myself for far too long, and I'm only 16! Is this what its supposed to be like at 16? Why am I so exhausted? When do I get my day off? Why is this road so windy? I keep getting thrown off course. Why is it that I still haven't figured all this out? How is it I am never 100%? I always seem to be just a little bit off, 98.9% there. I sometimes know what to do, but I just can't seem to do it. Help me figure this out. Please.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Caked with Dirt

2009-02-12T22:43:00.000-08:00

I'm just going insane
I'm going to lose my head
So much to do
So much to forget

Don't know where to go
Don't know where to hide
So fast, I'm confused
I need to find a new life

This page looks blank
My canvas clean
Caked with dirt
I can't do a thing.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 ND Y

Blank

2009-02-12T22:39:00.000-08:00

Blank. A page before me unwritten
No words to say, no mouth that speaks, just you and me.
What to say on this white sheet
What to tell as we face here
I've been lost and confused for so long
I don't seem to know, anymore.
Al the things that I have done
I hope I've learned from
Otherwise they were all wrong.
There is no place to go
There seems nowhere to turn
I'm lost, please, won't you help me
This page seems to stay blank
Help me, please, won't you help me
My eyes did not open today and
I've seemed to have lost my way.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 ND Y

From Around The Corner, Happiness Peeks

2009-02-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

Smiling faces behind clear glasses
No tear, no frown
Times of happiness taunting the deep sadness.

Pictures of colour and laughter
Stared at from black and white silence
Empty and alone.

Happiness visits for sadness to gain more strength
Strong roller coasters dodge each other
Picking up speed
Waiting for the ultimate crash!

Hunger weakens the body
Emotions distract the mind
Loneliness increases as the want for people thins.

Be humble
Humiliate for others
Be thankful
Sit the ego down.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 ND Y

Music Maker Magician

2009-02-12T22:26:00.000-08:00

Songbirds sing their songs, all night and day long
I still can't write a song.
Mozart and Bach lived great lives
Though Mozart went deaf, Bach's baroque still plays quite strong.

Classically, you put yourself into their music
Engulfing yourself into their lives.
Jazz, or just songs of chords
You pit your own magic into
I just can't do.

Do I have no magic in my bones?
In my flesh?
In my head?
What is this mysterious force in music?
Why this controversy?

Does music really make sense
Or, is it that sense should not be seen?
Making it free and a leisure
A tranquilizer to our lives?
A boost?!

A way to boost our anger
Our broken hearts to more tears of sorrow
Our smiles into laughter?
Let me know and please provide
Magic for my bones for me to thrive.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 ND Y

Socializing

2007-06-19T03:06:00.000-07:00

So it has been awhile since I have written my last blog. Things have been interesting. My roller-coaster ride has been tough, but I have pulled through those crazy upside-down bits. I had taken Fast Track and did not succeed. I thought I had no where left to go. I couldn't face school with everyone else, and I couldn't even do one course for 18 days, let alone the 3 I went to. Things changed slowly, with the help of someone who listened with an open heart and open ears, I have never known that was possible to have! I began medication for my social anxiety, etc and have slowly stabled out, gone a little wonkey, then stabled out again. I hate the fact that I'm relying on these pills, but if I don't take them for 2 or 3 days, then I feel like I am back to that low point where I could only see a tiny glimpse of light on a good day.

Dear kind reader, I know this is not as my usual pieces of writing, but I am in need of sleep for a long day tomorrow. I need strength in case someone is not in a good mood and they try to bring me down too. I also need strength to clean the home in which I live in so if I have a bad day coming soon, it won't be so bad in a home I can think and ponder in. So much can have an effect on how my day goes, my week, even my month..... well, not so sure about a month, but it is very possible!

I will be off to camp on sunday, and won't be scheduled to be back home for 2 months and 1 week. I am a little nervous about this. I will be working with people I am not that close to, and I am very, well, I am afraid that the social anxiety might want to try to claim me again while I am there. I just pray that I will be close to God on this new adventure of mine, and that I will have people I can truly, honestly trust and talk to while I am at camp. I wouldn't mind being someone else's stress relief too, but I need a change of pace; I need someone that I, Me, Yellowmendy, can talk to for once.

Though there is so much I want to say, to place my thoughts on, and to voice my many concerns on things, I do believe I should get some rest. Peace be with you kind reader! I pray for your health and decisions. I also pray for your many journeys.

Grace be with you,

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Exhausted Insanity

2007-01-18T01:18:00.000-08:00

Crazy day, don't want to get too into it.. mainly because I'm really hungry, and I think I know what I want to eat now, finally.

Rough morning. Usually on rough mornings like this I have a mind-set and I give in and don't really challenge myself much. But this morning was like a crazy war in my mind. I just wouldn't give in, yet I didn't have the strength to fight my mind, let alone my pride, so it remained with the same result as most other times. But it's kinda cool. I gave my mind a run for its money today! I just need to fight my pride a bit more and I should be on the right track! Pray for results.

Later, when there was no real reason to fight, I started reading again. I missed this sweet escape, and I was so glad to enjoy it again without having to feel too much remorse in my actions. Then, a friend I haven't seen in a few months came over! It was soo great to finally just be me I guess. Just talk with a friend about mindless things that mattered to us. It was cool too, that I was able to tell him what happened this morning-ish without feeling like I was complaining my butt off. I'm so happy he came! You helped make my day dude.. thanks a bunch and a bundle!

Had piano and choir tonight to top my day off. Music.. such a wonderful thing. I learnt a whole lot in piano working on one song, (hoping I retain everything I learnt and use it). Then in choir.. being able to sing again felt great. Especially in a group so focused. I don't know why people do drugs to get a high.. they should join a choir, or better yet, have a choir scatter parts and form a circle around them. Surround sound, all na-tur-al. Beautiful. Hope I find a choir to join when I leave high school. Well, my stomach calls.

Good morning, Good noon, Good night!

.Y3LLOWM3NDY.

Iron Pit

2007-01-16T00:53:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when I had been doing less to seek God that I got happy again, and now that I've prayed and thanked him for my happiness and started reading the bible again I stopped treading water and slipped right back to where I was before?

Here and there, words just come at me that I don't fully understand, and once I take the time to find out it's meaning, it comes at me from every angle. This time it's irony. There are three different types of irony: situational, dramatic and verbal. I think I've seen all three come at me within the last three days. But why is irony standing out?

Because I'm back in the hole, besides being sick which I hope is actually my body and not my mind tricking my body into being ill, I've laid in bed thinking alot today. Am I creating a false happiness for myself? Am I actually happy in things and or relationships I am involved in? Or am I just saying it's all moving forward and doing well because, in my mind, that's how I want things to be?

Or, is this not really exactly irony, but a test to prove to myself that things are possible with God, and all I had to do today was have a mind-set and push past the temptation of falling into my old path by getting up and going to school. If so, have I just failed or do I get a second chance tomorrow, or will I be happy again for a little bit before I'm tested again later.

I'm soo confused! I want to work at camp this summer, but that's in my "happy mind", my "normal state". I'm soo afraid of being in this depressive state at camp. First off, I'll always be around someone unless I end up in kitchen. If I'm in the kitchen I'll have my own room in the staff house that I can cry my eyes out if need be without disturbing others. Should I even send in my application?

I don't want to bring anyone down into my pit. I'd feel horrible. Am I not to plan things in hope that I'll be happy at that time? How long is this state going to last?! Will it ever just leave me be?Will it haunt me my whole life?! Am I to be anti-social until I'm stable? I don't know what to do.... again...still. Lord, help me to stop trying to reason everything you do, and help me just let go of everything and trust you.

Lost in the depths of my own well.

Tasting Freedom

2007-01-14T16:00:00.000-08:00

So here we are in 2007. What a wonderful day today is. I woke up all warm, fuzzy, comfy and happy. I felt free, without the scariness of being too free. It's been perfect.

I went to church this morning, where I haven't gone since I sang in December. It was sweet seeing people and socializing again. I didn't really realize people actually paid attention to me, and no, I don't say this because I have a big ego or something like that. It was so cool to see a friend of my mom, and well a friend's mom, who came up to me to say "hi", and "how's it going", and "haven't seen you in awhile". I felt so special. I also got a little farther on my camp application form with asking questions and sending out reference forms, and all that fun stuff. I'm soo excited! Summer seems too far from reach!

At this moment in time, I am getting 97.6 % (highest in the class :D)in my English course which I have 2 more weeks of. I've completed, and handed in everything on time too! I'm finally changing the way I've been wanting to for the longest time. Hopefully it sticks. There have been days when I'm fine at school, but a few minutes after getting in the door at home, I'm just done. But it's getting better! And it's wonderful!

My mind is freeing itself from the clenching grasp of my insanity that has been bringing me down the dark well of uncertainty, insecurity and slowly draining my courage and happiness. I'm bobbing around near the top, I've gasped in the sweet air above a few times! If only I can catch hold onto the sides well enough to pull myself out. It's like I'm in jail and there is a parole hearing for me, which might let me go out on parole as a tease and bring me right back, or I might be free at last.

Like my last time, I'm leaving for the love of food. I smell it calling my name. May the music be with you. Miracles are a happening all around. Think happy thoughts. Okay, I'm hungry.

Jailbird tasting freedom.

.Party.Onward.

2006-12-21T20:54:00.000-08:00

So I guess I haven't written in awhile. Lots to fill in then. Where to start? Lets start with what I've been up to ish.

West Side Story is finally over! I had to wear heels, and a dress that was held up by safety pins because it was quite a few sizes too big, and yet, it still got stepped on.. I also had to play the part of a puerto rican, meaning foundation wherever my skin showed, except for my legs.. thank goodness for stockings! My "day outfit" was black for all to see, but when it came time to change, on the inside, it had turned a purply-brown-muave color.. ewwwww. Came out in the wash though.. all is good.

In choir, I was drafted into the triple-trio for No Golden Carraige. I must say, we did a swell job wherever we performed it. Good job ladies! The choir as a whole did amazing this year too, getting the media at our last practice added to that. Our repetoire for the spring looks like mucho fun, and we have soo many more concerts. I hear we are in about 3 mass concerts, we're going to the Yukon and soo much more. I'm excited.. Phantom of the Opera, Billy Joel, hehehehe.

Piano. Interesting number right here. Doing well and progressing, just not as fast as I would have liked, but hey, always room for improvement. I played like a pro at my last lesson. Must be learning something.

School has been a different matter lately. I've dropped my courses for the rest of the semester and finishing a package for my socials class on my own, and taking fast track for my english course in January. For now I have to read a strange book with prime numbers instead for chapter numbers. The only thing getting cut is band. But I guess Cuba band makes up for it.
Think I have to end up getting the vaccine and giving myself a hep. a shot.. scary!

Hope all this feeds your yellowmendy blog reading needs for now.. I'm hungry!

Merry Christmas and all that fun stuff.

THE PARTY MUST GO ON!

Fly Free

2006-10-09T01:07:00.001-07:00

Tired and exhausted where there seems no where to turn for rest. If I stop, nothing will get done. If I continue, I will never be done, and get sick trying. Weekends away seem to help, it's just getting there and back that can be tiresome after awhile, though unnoticed at the time. I like accomplishing things. It's when the accomplished turns right back around that things become fustrating. What's the point of trying when trying ends right back up at nothing, yet again? I'm drained and there is no visible end.

If I'm not social, I feel utterly disconnected, which at the time would be great, but later might hurt as done before. I need a time which isn't restricted. I need a space that isn't cluttered with the world. I need to be free, without the view of the fence that holds me to my obligations. My mind is always thinking, and I don't know what it's thinking about. My thoughts are giving me messages, and my body is too tired to transcribe them to me. I want to sit by the water, bask in the warm sunshine with the autumn air soaring around me, with a book in my hand as I am cozied up, serene, with not a care in the world but on how the book will end. If not, then please, let me dance in the rain. I just want peace!

Jailbird.

Smile Bright

2006-09-20T21:55:00.000-07:00

So things are in full swing now. School's starting to get a little too comfortable, choir is talking about our christmas cd and concerts, in musical we've begun to learn our songs, and at home I've already started getting into odd moments when I just have the urge to clean the house. At the moment I am still eating pretty good, haven't really been sick, and have found decent, warm, clean clothes to wear to school everyday. And to top it off, I've been happy! I haven't been this happy in soo long. I can't believe what I've been missing out on. Relationships with friends seem to be figuring themselves out, one way or another. We're all getting pretty close, hanging out and talking outside of school and all. Grownin' up! It's soo cool. I picked up my bible yesterday, and read a few chapters, and was really intrigued. Just like I am when I find a good novel. I can't believe I'm turning 17 in a few months. My mind is trying to follow, and I think it's finally catching up to the realization of the proffesional and.. well, the decent way a 16, almost 17 year old holds themself, and the responsibilities.. believe it or not. It's the greatest feeling. Just wish I could realize this when I get up for school or ensemble in the mornings. Well, shopping tomorrow, so I should try to get some more homework done now.. I think my laundy's done too. YAY! ::Happy Thoughts::

Taracita