Why is it that when I had been doing less to seek God that I got happy again, and now that I've prayed and thanked him for my happiness and started reading the bible again I stopped treading water and slipped right back to where I was before?
Here and there, words just come at me that I don't fully understand, and once I take the time to find out it's meaning, it comes at me from every angle. This time it's irony. There are three different types of irony: situational, dramatic and verbal. I think I've seen all three come at me within the last three days. But why is irony standing out?
Because I'm back in the hole, besides being sick which I hope is actually my body and not my mind tricking my body into being ill, I've laid in bed thinking alot today. Am I creating a false happiness for myself? Am I actually happy in things and or relationships I am involved in? Or am I just saying it's all moving forward and doing well because, in my mind, that's how I want things to be?
Or, is this not really exactly irony, but a test to prove to myself that things are possible with God, and all I had to do today was have a mind-set and push past the temptation of falling into my old path by getting up and going to school. If so, have I just failed or do I get a second chance tomorrow, or will I be happy again for a little bit before I'm tested again later.
I'm soo confused! I want to work at camp this summer, but that's in my "happy mind", my "normal state". I'm soo afraid of being in this depressive state at camp. First off, I'll always be around someone unless I end up in kitchen. If I'm in the kitchen I'll have my own room in the staff house that I can cry my eyes out if need be without disturbing others. Should I even send in my application?
I don't want to bring anyone down into my pit. I'd feel horrible. Am I not to plan things in hope that I'll be happy at that time? How long is this state going to last?! Will it ever just leave me be?Will it haunt me my whole life?! Am I to be anti-social until I'm stable? I don't know what to do.... again...still. Lord, help me to stop trying to reason everything you do, and help me just let go of everything and trust you.
Lost in the depths of my own well.
Here and there, words just come at me that I don't fully understand, and once I take the time to find out it's meaning, it comes at me from every angle. This time it's irony. There are three different types of irony: situational, dramatic and verbal. I think I've seen all three come at me within the last three days. But why is irony standing out?
Because I'm back in the hole, besides being sick which I hope is actually my body and not my mind tricking my body into being ill, I've laid in bed thinking alot today. Am I creating a false happiness for myself? Am I actually happy in things and or relationships I am involved in? Or am I just saying it's all moving forward and doing well because, in my mind, that's how I want things to be?
Or, is this not really exactly irony, but a test to prove to myself that things are possible with God, and all I had to do today was have a mind-set and push past the temptation of falling into my old path by getting up and going to school. If so, have I just failed or do I get a second chance tomorrow, or will I be happy again for a little bit before I'm tested again later.
I'm soo confused! I want to work at camp this summer, but that's in my "happy mind", my "normal state". I'm soo afraid of being in this depressive state at camp. First off, I'll always be around someone unless I end up in kitchen. If I'm in the kitchen I'll have my own room in the staff house that I can cry my eyes out if need be without disturbing others. Should I even send in my application?
I don't want to bring anyone down into my pit. I'd feel horrible. Am I not to plan things in hope that I'll be happy at that time? How long is this state going to last?! Will it ever just leave me be?Will it haunt me my whole life?! Am I to be anti-social until I'm stable? I don't know what to do.... again...still. Lord, help me to stop trying to reason everything you do, and help me just let go of everything and trust you.
Lost in the depths of my own well.
1 comment:
the beauty of Christs love is that he want to and he chooses to enter our pits with us. He doesnt have to, but he loves us enough to do it. And whats more, is that he loves us to help us out. To pick us up on his sholders and carry us out. Hes amazing like that.
the beauty of community is that we want to and we choose to enter your pit with you. we love you enought to do it. and whats more is we love you to help you out. to pick you up and carry you out. community is amazing like that.
i find when im as you put it in a well (which is currently by the way - you are not alone) its that much more important to lean on Christ and lean on others.
sorry i havent been there to lean on.
can we hang out soon?
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