Birth Verse

I was reading the blog Another Journal Entry by Elizabeth Bennet and found this kinda neat so I thought I would try the same for my birthday.


http://www.birthverse.com/mybirthverse.cfm


Ephesians 4:1 NIV
As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

I Wish.

A deafening scream soars, screeching through the silent night.
Is it heard? Is it sought? Does it bring relief?

Lights echo as my mind dances a waltz.
Am I sick? Am I mad? Will I ever keep comfort?

My flesh bleeds not of red blood, but sweat and tears.
Torment and humiliation haunt my dreams as I drift off to silent slumber.

Why the need to drive when there will always be a burn this way?
If there is no drive evidently there is no want.

Is there a reachable balance that can be obtained before death?
Or, is another part of life's journey finding that balance?

I realize that nothing will always be perfect.

I just wish light or lack of light, I can be the same.
I wish I don't keep losing momentum.
I wish I could just sit down and finish what needs to be done.
I wish I was done.
I wish I could move on.
I wish to be a child again.
I wish to have my own home and my own family.
I wish to just live.

I wish for life to be seen in my eyes again.
I wish for music to run through my veins.
I wish I had the option to say good-bye less often.
I wish for love to embrace me.
I wish.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Resolution

~A dissonance must always resolve itself~

Facade. A mask that you hide behind. A sense of invulnerability that you can choose to keep. A false sense of security in times of indecision. A place of fake shelter in a thunder storm, your front is perfect, but the inner is fried. You begin to leak out. The facade is being worn. Confusion circles around, the real you trying to slow while the facade tries to hold strong. You can win over. The matter is letting yourself, or not. If tears come, let yourself cry. If a smile sees the world, be as happy as the life around you makes the smile become. Let anger subside and be dealt with. What is right is right. Don't over question what is right. Nothing may seem worth it now or in the past, but the future is and end you cannot see until it dawns. Why waste precious time questioning, doubting, over thinking. Mistakes happen in life. A lot of the time, mistakes suck. Sometimes you feel like an imbecile, incompetent and, or, a failure. This is already mind boggling, then here comes a person of whom has a facade that fits to their face quite comfortably still, who thinks they need to tell you how much of a failure you are, every time they see you. When will it all stop?!

A guilty conscious. What will that do but drive you insane?! Is insanity the part of pure existence that everyone must face to move on to the next phase for their journey in life? How long must it last? Is it the reason why the only way to have peace is in the utter cold? Asleep so deep that nothing but your own burning flesh can wake you? Must I burn? Is rock bottom a place where you want to die? Is there a limit to how many times you can hit it before you actually die of exhaustion from hitting it with all that you have left so often? How long does it take for you to thirst for something better? When does the growling satisfy? When will the lies seize?! Is there a safe place to hide from all of this? A place to stop thinking, stop pondering, stop holding my mask in place? I want a place where I can be free! I've relied on myself for far too long, and I'm only 16! Is this what its supposed to be like at 16? Why am I so exhausted? When do I get my day off? Why is this road so windy? I keep getting thrown off course. Why is it that I still haven't figured all this out? How is it I am never 100%? I always seem to be just a little bit off, 98.9% there. I sometimes know what to do, but I just can't seem to do it. Help me figure this out. Please.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Caked with Dirt

I'm just going insane
I'm going to lose my head
So much to do
So much to forget

Don't know where to go
Don't know where to hide
So fast, I'm confused
I need to find a new life

This page looks blank
My canvas clean
Caked with dirt
I can't do a thing.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 ND Y

Blank

Blank. A page before me unwritten
No words to say, no mouth that speaks, just you and me.
What to say on this white sheet
What to tell as we face here
I've been lost and confused for so long
I don't seem to know, anymore.
Al the things that I have done
I hope I've learned from
Otherwise they were all wrong.
There is no place to go
There seems nowhere to turn
I'm lost, please, won't you help me
This page seems to stay blank
Help me, please, won't you help me
My eyes did not open today and
I've seemed to have lost my way.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 ND Y

From Around The Corner, Happiness Peeks

Smiling faces behind clear glasses
No tear, no frown
Times of happiness taunting the deep sadness.

Pictures of colour and laughter
Stared at from black and white silence
Empty and alone.

Happiness visits for sadness to gain more strength
Strong roller coasters dodge each other
Picking up speed
Waiting for the ultimate crash!

Hunger weakens the body
Emotions distract the mind
Loneliness increases as the want for people thins.

Be humble
Humiliate for others
Be thankful
Sit the ego down.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 ND Y

Music Maker Magician

Songbirds sing their songs, all night and day long
I still can't write a song.
Mozart and Bach lived great lives
Though Mozart went deaf, Bach's baroque still plays quite strong.

Classically, you put yourself into their music
Engulfing yourself into their lives.
Jazz, or just songs of chords
You pit your own magic into
I just can't do.

Do I have no magic in my bones?
In my flesh?
In my head?
What is this mysterious force in music?
Why this controversy?

Does music really make sense
Or, is it that sense should not be seen?
Making it free and a leisure
A tranquilizer to our lives?
A boost?!

A way to boost our anger
Our broken hearts to more tears of sorrow
Our smiles into laughter?
Let me know and please provide
Magic for my bones for me to thrive.

Y 3 L L O W M 3 ND Y

Socializing

So it has been awhile since I have written my last blog. Things have been interesting. My roller-coaster ride has been tough, but I have pulled through those crazy upside-down bits. I had taken Fast Track and did not succeed. I thought I had no where left to go. I couldn't face school with everyone else, and I couldn't even do one course for 18 days, let alone the 3 I went to. Things changed slowly, with the help of someone who listened with an open heart and open ears, I have never known that was possible to have! I began medication for my social anxiety, etc and have slowly stabled out, gone a little wonkey, then stabled out again. I hate the fact that I'm relying on these pills, but if I don't take them for 2 or 3 days, then I feel like I am back to that low point where I could only see a tiny glimpse of light on a good day.

Dear kind reader, I know this is not as my usual pieces of writing, but I am in need of sleep for a long day tomorrow. I need strength in case someone is not in a good mood and they try to bring me down too. I also need strength to clean the home in which I live in so if I have a bad day coming soon, it won't be so bad in a home I can think and ponder in. So much can have an effect on how my day goes, my week, even my month..... well, not so sure about a month, but it is very possible!

I will be off to camp on sunday, and won't be scheduled to be back home for 2 months and 1 week. I am a little nervous about this. I will be working with people I am not that close to, and I am very, well, I am afraid that the social anxiety might want to try to claim me again while I am there. I just pray that I will be close to God on this new adventure of mine, and that I will have people I can truly, honestly trust and talk to while I am at camp. I wouldn't mind being someone else's stress relief too, but I need a change of pace; I need someone that I, Me, Yellowmendy, can talk to for once.

Though there is so much I want to say, to place my thoughts on, and to voice my many concerns on things, I do believe I should get some rest. Peace be with you kind reader! I pray for your health and decisions. I also pray for your many journeys.

Grace be with you,

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Exhausted Insanity

Crazy day, don't want to get too into it.. mainly because I'm really hungry, and I think I know what I want to eat now, finally.

Rough morning. Usually on rough mornings like this I have a mind-set and I give in and don't really challenge myself much. But this morning was like a crazy war in my mind. I just wouldn't give in, yet I didn't have the strength to fight my mind, let alone my pride, so it remained with the same result as most other times. But it's kinda cool. I gave my mind a run for its money today! I just need to fight my pride a bit more and I should be on the right track! Pray for results.

Later, when there was no real reason to fight, I started reading again. I missed this sweet escape, and I was so glad to enjoy it again without having to feel too much remorse in my actions. Then, a friend I haven't seen in a few months came over! It was soo great to finally just be me I guess. Just talk with a friend about mindless things that mattered to us. It was cool too, that I was able to tell him what happened this morning-ish without feeling like I was complaining my butt off. I'm so happy he came! You helped make my day dude.. thanks a bunch and a bundle!

Had piano and choir tonight to top my day off. Music.. such a wonderful thing. I learnt a whole lot in piano working on one song, (hoping I retain everything I learnt and use it). Then in choir.. being able to sing again felt great. Especially in a group so focused. I don't know why people do drugs to get a high.. they should join a choir, or better yet, have a choir scatter parts and form a circle around them. Surround sound, all na-tur-al. Beautiful. Hope I find a choir to join when I leave high school. Well, my stomach calls.

Good morning, Good noon, Good night!

.Y3LLOWM3NDY.

Iron Pit

Why is it that when I had been doing less to seek God that I got happy again, and now that I've prayed and thanked him for my happiness and started reading the bible again I stopped treading water and slipped right back to where I was before?

Here and there, words just come at me that I don't fully understand, and once I take the time to find out it's meaning, it comes at me from every angle. This time it's irony. There are three different types of irony: situational, dramatic and verbal. I think I've seen all three come at me within the last three days. But why is irony standing out?

Because I'm back in the hole, besides being sick which I hope is actually my body and not my mind tricking my body into being ill, I've laid in bed thinking alot today. Am I creating a false happiness for myself? Am I actually happy in things and or relationships I am involved in? Or am I just saying it's all moving forward and doing well because, in my mind, that's how I want things to be?






Or, is this not really exactly irony, but a test to prove to myself that things are possible with God, and all I had to do today was have a mind-set and push past the temptation of falling into my old path by getting up and going to school. If so, have I just failed or do I get a second chance tomorrow, or will I be happy again for a little bit before I'm tested again later.

I'm soo confused! I want to work at camp this summer, but that's in my "happy mind", my "normal state". I'm soo afraid of being in this depressive state at camp. First off, I'll always be around someone unless I end up in kitchen. If I'm in the kitchen I'll have my own room in the staff house that I can cry my eyes out if need be without disturbing others. Should I even send in my application?

I don't want to bring anyone down into my pit. I'd feel horrible. Am I not to plan things in hope that I'll be happy at that time? How long is this state going to last?! Will it ever just leave me be?Will it haunt me my whole life?! Am I to be anti-social until I'm stable? I don't know what to do.... again...still. Lord, help me to stop trying to reason everything you do, and help me just let go of everything and trust you.




Lost in the depths of my own well.

Tasting Freedom

So here we are in 2007. What a wonderful day today is. I woke up all warm, fuzzy, comfy and happy. I felt free, without the scariness of being too free. It's been perfect.

I went to church this morning, where I haven't gone since I sang in December. It was sweet seeing people and socializing again. I didn't really realize people actually paid attention to me, and no, I don't say this because I have a big ego or something like that. It was so cool to see a friend of my mom, and well a friend's mom, who came up to me to say "hi", and "how's it going", and "haven't seen you in awhile". I felt so special. I also got a little farther on my camp application form with asking questions and sending out reference forms, and all that fun stuff. I'm soo excited! Summer seems too far from reach!

At this moment in time, I am getting 97.6 % (highest in the class :D)in my English course which I have 2 more weeks of. I've completed, and handed in everything on time too! I'm finally changing the way I've been wanting to for the longest time. Hopefully it sticks. There have been days when I'm fine at school, but a few minutes after getting in the door at home, I'm just done. But it's getting better! And it's wonderful!

My mind is freeing itself from the clenching grasp of my insanity that has been bringing me down the dark well of uncertainty, insecurity and slowly draining my courage and happiness. I'm bobbing around near the top, I've gasped in the sweet air above a few times! If only I can catch hold onto the sides well enough to pull myself out. It's like I'm in jail and there is a parole hearing for me, which might let me go out on parole as a tease and bring me right back, or I might be free at last.

Like my last time, I'm leaving for the love of food. I smell it calling my name. May the music be with you. Miracles are a happening all around. Think happy thoughts. Okay, I'm hungry.

Jailbird tasting freedom.

.Party.Onward.

So I guess I haven't written in awhile. Lots to fill in then. Where to start? Lets start with what I've been up to ish.

West Side Story is finally over! I had to wear heels, and a dress that was held up by safety pins because it was quite a few sizes too big, and yet, it still got stepped on.. I also had to play the part of a puerto rican, meaning foundation wherever my skin showed, except for my legs.. thank goodness for stockings! My "day outfit" was black for all to see, but when it came time to change, on the inside, it had turned a purply-brown-muave color.. ewwwww. Came out in the wash though.. all is good.

In choir, I was drafted into the triple-trio for No Golden Carraige. I must say, we did a swell job wherever we performed it. Good job ladies! The choir as a whole did amazing this year too, getting the media at our last practice added to that. Our repetoire for the spring looks like mucho fun, and we have soo many more concerts. I hear we are in about 3 mass concerts, we're going to the Yukon and soo much more. I'm excited.. Phantom of the Opera, Billy Joel, hehehehe.

Piano. Interesting number right here. Doing well and progressing, just not as fast as I would have liked, but hey, always room for improvement. I played like a pro at my last lesson. Must be learning something.

School has been a different matter lately. I've dropped my courses for the rest of the semester and finishing a package for my socials class on my own, and taking fast track for my english course in January. For now I have to read a strange book with prime numbers instead for chapter numbers. The only thing getting cut is band. But I guess Cuba band makes up for it.
Think I have to end up getting the vaccine and giving myself a hep. a shot.. scary!

Hope all this feeds your yellowmendy blog reading needs for now.. I'm hungry!

Merry Christmas and all that fun stuff.

THE PARTY MUST GO ON!

Fly Free

Tired and exhausted where there seems no where to turn for rest. If I stop, nothing will get done. If I continue, I will never be done, and get sick trying. Weekends away seem to help, it's just getting there and back that can be tiresome after awhile, though unnoticed at the time. I like accomplishing things. It's when the accomplished turns right back around that things become fustrating. What's the point of trying when trying ends right back up at nothing, yet again? I'm drained and there is no visible end.

If I'm not social, I feel utterly disconnected, which at the time would be great, but later might hurt as done before. I need a time which isn't restricted. I need a space that isn't cluttered with the world. I need to be free, without the view of the fence that holds me to my obligations. My mind is always thinking, and I don't know what it's thinking about. My thoughts are giving me messages, and my body is too tired to transcribe them to me. I want to sit by the water, bask in the warm sunshine with the autumn air soaring around me, with a book in my hand as I am cozied up, serene, with not a care in the world but on how the book will end. If not, then please, let me dance in the rain. I just want peace!


Jailbird.

Smile Bright

So things are in full swing now. School's starting to get a little too comfortable, choir is talking about our christmas cd and concerts, in musical we've begun to learn our songs, and at home I've already started getting into odd moments when I just have the urge to clean the house. At the moment I am still eating pretty good, haven't really been sick, and have found decent, warm, clean clothes to wear to school everyday. And to top it off, I've been happy! I haven't been this happy in soo long. I can't believe what I've been missing out on. Relationships with friends seem to be figuring themselves out, one way or another. We're all getting pretty close, hanging out and talking outside of school and all. Grownin' up! It's soo cool. I picked up my bible yesterday, and read a few chapters, and was really intrigued. Just like I am when I find a good novel. I can't believe I'm turning 17 in a few months. My mind is trying to follow, and I think it's finally catching up to the realization of the proffesional and.. well, the decent way a 16, almost 17 year old holds themself, and the responsibilities.. believe it or not. It's the greatest feeling. Just wish I could realize this when I get up for school or ensemble in the mornings. Well, shopping tomorrow, so I should try to get some more homework done now.. I think my laundy's done too. YAY! ::Happy Thoughts::

Taracita

Behind the Facade

An overwhelming, tight, loud and strong comfortable feeling. It hits the roof, completeing the dome of sound resonating through the minds of every soul to free them from their weary days. Emotions rise to the surface as the band plays, and the 30 voices sound like hundreds of angels watching from the heavens above. Dancing begins, and pure joy comes in parcels of freedom and laughter. The fire has been lit.

A fire lights in her eyes as the lone pianist secretly writes a song. All that is before her lies a piano and its awaiting keys. This would be a good day. Her left hand strikes the powerful bass as the sweet melody soares above on the right. She escapes into her magical worlds and ponders no more. All her confusion begins to make sense, all her anger is washed away, and all her pain seizes to an understanding. The fingers leap off the keys and the worlds looks beautiful again.

Always the thought of wanting to do more, yet, too anxious is the body to carry it out. Failure seems to be the end result in many things but one. But when that one thing is on the bridge, deciding its direction, the mind is lost and is losing hope. Fire sparks the hope, and music always finds a way back. It acts as a tourniquet between uncontrollable fears, and pure, heartfelt life.

The curtain opens and the mask seems to sit right. Nobody can see past my disguise. Much seems to be known, though many paths we take aren't always as they seem. The mask begins to wear, but the shield still holds out of fear. Fear to be known, and fear to be sought. Though part of what may be a humble being has an illusion to be faced first. Slowly the shield comes down, and as the sun rises to make it day, so does the plans of the future.

The curtain burns to the ground as a fire lights the stage. What is to become of it? Everything it showed had been a recreation of a minds brilliance. It is an act upon which you hide you true identity. You act as you set your mind to act. Then once the make-up is off, and the night is done, she is vulnerable again and her eyes ignite.


I had to write a 5 paragraph composition for my first day of english class, about some of the highlights of my life. This is what I came up with.

Back to the Drawing Board

School has been in session for 4 days now. Classes have been in 3 days, and my courses have finally been finalized for a day. All this not including the fact that it is 1am the next morning. Just school so far has been okay. I'm a little concerned about what will happen when things begin when their day has arrived. I am as prepared as I have let myself become. I realized I've already begun to slack a bit. It's at those moments in time when I ask what's wrong with me and hear no reply. I keep zoning out and losing focus. There doesn't seem to be anything to focus right on. I'm already so tired, and not eating right. Will I have been driven up the wall already by this time next month? By then, everything will have begun and be in full swing, and I will have the joy of getting away from all this at Youth Councils. I can't just run away for the rest of my life. There must be another way! Little things have greatly made my day today. But those little things have also come right back to bring it back down. When can this ride of confusion end its course?

Exhausted.

Scared

I haven't written in awhile, so i thought i might update you a bit. I've been at camp all summer except for 2 weeks and a weekend. I didn't go to teen camp, and there was no room for volunteers at moms and tots. I learned sooooo much in lit2 and grew tons. I feel so much more confident or however you spell it. And though I've had an amazing summer, tonight is my last night here, and I am very scared. School starts the day after I get home, and I haven't even looked at my courses in it's original form that it was mailed to me in! I have to change my courses, register for piano lessons, and get mentally prepared for what is going to be a big year for me. I realize my group of friends is going to change a bit, and that my ways of thinking is different, and that I'm actually growing up! I looked at pictures of friends, or old friends this summer, and realized how much we've all changed. This year my classes really matter. This year basically everything counts. This year is the last year that I have until I have to start applying for scholarships and schools and all that jazz. I'm scared to make the wrong choice, or not even make a choice and be stuck. I want to do soo much, and yet, I'm afraid to. I don't want to isolate myself again. I like having fun with people. But I'm still afraid of having too much fun and abandoning all I'm trying to work for this year and next. I want to be the best I can be, without pushing what I am. Laidback. I don't like being so critical all the time. Oy. The cymbals feel as if they are about to crash. I'm gonna try and sleep through this tonight.

Praying

Hiding

Okay. So I'm back at Camp as a volunteer with at least 2 of my Lit 2 pals. After the wonderful Monopoly Madness, I hadn't slept for over 48 hours, except for an hour before dinner. It was a little..interesting. I'm staying in Cedar with the Lit 2's this week. I've been in that cabin all summer. It's great. Haven't seen my guitar since I've been back yet. I'm a little bit worried. Doing program this week with Jessica.. when she gets here.. We get to do flag raising, and all that good stuff. Kinda scared because it is new territory for me. But I get to do pool again for registration! YAY! It's always mucho fun and it's something I know. Katia helped me realize today, that if there seems to be nothing to do, HIDE! Then, when it comes time, work your butt off. Or at least, when you've finally had enough of your break. I had a good nap on the grass, then it was lunch. It worked well. The best part you may ask? Sandwiches were lunch. And of course, I made an amazing one yet again. I'm still waiting to move my things into Cedar. At the moment, everything is sitting outside, so close, but not yet there. I need to buy a bible. For now I've been marking up one that has been in our house forever. I wonder where it came from? Hmmm. Well, I think I shall continue my boredom elsewhere until my crazy close pals get back with the kids. All for now I guess. Quick question.. should I do Sr.Music now that I know that I can be financially covered for it? Well, let it boggle our minds for now. ::Happy Thoughts::