Socializing

So it has been awhile since I have written my last blog. Things have been interesting. My roller-coaster ride has been tough, but I have pulled through those crazy upside-down bits. I had taken Fast Track and did not succeed. I thought I had no where left to go. I couldn't face school with everyone else, and I couldn't even do one course for 18 days, let alone the 3 I went to. Things changed slowly, with the help of someone who listened with an open heart and open ears, I have never known that was possible to have! I began medication for my social anxiety, etc and have slowly stabled out, gone a little wonkey, then stabled out again. I hate the fact that I'm relying on these pills, but if I don't take them for 2 or 3 days, then I feel like I am back to that low point where I could only see a tiny glimpse of light on a good day.

Dear kind reader, I know this is not as my usual pieces of writing, but I am in need of sleep for a long day tomorrow. I need strength in case someone is not in a good mood and they try to bring me down too. I also need strength to clean the home in which I live in so if I have a bad day coming soon, it won't be so bad in a home I can think and ponder in. So much can have an effect on how my day goes, my week, even my month..... well, not so sure about a month, but it is very possible!

I will be off to camp on sunday, and won't be scheduled to be back home for 2 months and 1 week. I am a little nervous about this. I will be working with people I am not that close to, and I am very, well, I am afraid that the social anxiety might want to try to claim me again while I am there. I just pray that I will be close to God on this new adventure of mine, and that I will have people I can truly, honestly trust and talk to while I am at camp. I wouldn't mind being someone else's stress relief too, but I need a change of pace; I need someone that I, Me, Yellowmendy, can talk to for once.

Though there is so much I want to say, to place my thoughts on, and to voice my many concerns on things, I do believe I should get some rest. Peace be with you kind reader! I pray for your health and decisions. I also pray for your many journeys.

Grace be with you,

Y 3 L L O W M 3 N D Y

Exhausted Insanity

Crazy day, don't want to get too into it.. mainly because I'm really hungry, and I think I know what I want to eat now, finally.

Rough morning. Usually on rough mornings like this I have a mind-set and I give in and don't really challenge myself much. But this morning was like a crazy war in my mind. I just wouldn't give in, yet I didn't have the strength to fight my mind, let alone my pride, so it remained with the same result as most other times. But it's kinda cool. I gave my mind a run for its money today! I just need to fight my pride a bit more and I should be on the right track! Pray for results.

Later, when there was no real reason to fight, I started reading again. I missed this sweet escape, and I was so glad to enjoy it again without having to feel too much remorse in my actions. Then, a friend I haven't seen in a few months came over! It was soo great to finally just be me I guess. Just talk with a friend about mindless things that mattered to us. It was cool too, that I was able to tell him what happened this morning-ish without feeling like I was complaining my butt off. I'm so happy he came! You helped make my day dude.. thanks a bunch and a bundle!

Had piano and choir tonight to top my day off. Music.. such a wonderful thing. I learnt a whole lot in piano working on one song, (hoping I retain everything I learnt and use it). Then in choir.. being able to sing again felt great. Especially in a group so focused. I don't know why people do drugs to get a high.. they should join a choir, or better yet, have a choir scatter parts and form a circle around them. Surround sound, all na-tur-al. Beautiful. Hope I find a choir to join when I leave high school. Well, my stomach calls.

Good morning, Good noon, Good night!

.Y3LLOWM3NDY.

Iron Pit

Why is it that when I had been doing less to seek God that I got happy again, and now that I've prayed and thanked him for my happiness and started reading the bible again I stopped treading water and slipped right back to where I was before?

Here and there, words just come at me that I don't fully understand, and once I take the time to find out it's meaning, it comes at me from every angle. This time it's irony. There are three different types of irony: situational, dramatic and verbal. I think I've seen all three come at me within the last three days. But why is irony standing out?

Because I'm back in the hole, besides being sick which I hope is actually my body and not my mind tricking my body into being ill, I've laid in bed thinking alot today. Am I creating a false happiness for myself? Am I actually happy in things and or relationships I am involved in? Or am I just saying it's all moving forward and doing well because, in my mind, that's how I want things to be?






Or, is this not really exactly irony, but a test to prove to myself that things are possible with God, and all I had to do today was have a mind-set and push past the temptation of falling into my old path by getting up and going to school. If so, have I just failed or do I get a second chance tomorrow, or will I be happy again for a little bit before I'm tested again later.

I'm soo confused! I want to work at camp this summer, but that's in my "happy mind", my "normal state". I'm soo afraid of being in this depressive state at camp. First off, I'll always be around someone unless I end up in kitchen. If I'm in the kitchen I'll have my own room in the staff house that I can cry my eyes out if need be without disturbing others. Should I even send in my application?

I don't want to bring anyone down into my pit. I'd feel horrible. Am I not to plan things in hope that I'll be happy at that time? How long is this state going to last?! Will it ever just leave me be?Will it haunt me my whole life?! Am I to be anti-social until I'm stable? I don't know what to do.... again...still. Lord, help me to stop trying to reason everything you do, and help me just let go of everything and trust you.




Lost in the depths of my own well.

Tasting Freedom

So here we are in 2007. What a wonderful day today is. I woke up all warm, fuzzy, comfy and happy. I felt free, without the scariness of being too free. It's been perfect.

I went to church this morning, where I haven't gone since I sang in December. It was sweet seeing people and socializing again. I didn't really realize people actually paid attention to me, and no, I don't say this because I have a big ego or something like that. It was so cool to see a friend of my mom, and well a friend's mom, who came up to me to say "hi", and "how's it going", and "haven't seen you in awhile". I felt so special. I also got a little farther on my camp application form with asking questions and sending out reference forms, and all that fun stuff. I'm soo excited! Summer seems too far from reach!

At this moment in time, I am getting 97.6 % (highest in the class :D)in my English course which I have 2 more weeks of. I've completed, and handed in everything on time too! I'm finally changing the way I've been wanting to for the longest time. Hopefully it sticks. There have been days when I'm fine at school, but a few minutes after getting in the door at home, I'm just done. But it's getting better! And it's wonderful!

My mind is freeing itself from the clenching grasp of my insanity that has been bringing me down the dark well of uncertainty, insecurity and slowly draining my courage and happiness. I'm bobbing around near the top, I've gasped in the sweet air above a few times! If only I can catch hold onto the sides well enough to pull myself out. It's like I'm in jail and there is a parole hearing for me, which might let me go out on parole as a tease and bring me right back, or I might be free at last.

Like my last time, I'm leaving for the love of food. I smell it calling my name. May the music be with you. Miracles are a happening all around. Think happy thoughts. Okay, I'm hungry.

Jailbird tasting freedom.